I can’t date someone for the stability or the security of “being in a relationship.” I can date someone for the romance– for the afternoon and evening phone calls and morning messages, for the long kisses hello and goodbye and in between hello and goodbye, for the prolonged glances across the table as we eat a fancy (or not-so-fancy) dinner and think about how much we’ve missed each other, or just an inside joke that only the two of us know about.
With Honey I had ALL of the stability and the security. I trusted him, and we were comfortable with each other– maybe even too comfortable with each other, because I didn’t have any of the romance. Even on Valentine’s Day he prepared sweet but sensible gifts: A shoe rack, a wireless keyboard, and chocolates that he told me not to eat (my “diet”)– nothing that would sweep me off of my feet like those Betsey Johnson dresses and steaks Junho used to buy for me constantly.
As we finally settled into our long distance-ish relationship– we only saw each other on the weekends for the past two months, I saw endless Friday nights spent at home with us eating a late dinner of samgyubsal or Korean fried chicken before finally going to bed early. I saw him snoring SO loudly and being forced to sleep on the couch with Teddy while I cuddled with my teddy bear, Gray, on my too-small-for-the-both-of-us twin sized bed.
I saw Saturday mornings made up of quick meals and quick English lessons followed by his quick departure. But, I never wanted him to stay longer, anyway. I saw myself, and I was bored. I was bored out of my mind as we sat on the couch with Teddy and cuddled and watched Korean shows, or as I got him water (don’t you have legs, my dear?) and cleaned up after his masculine mess (clothes do not belong on the floor, everything back where you found it, please– or else!) on the weekends and even did his laundry during the week.
And, I suddenly realized that I liked Honey but that I didn’t like dating him, or being married to him– whatever you want to call it. I’m 25, and as my second boyfriend went from dream come true to nightmare unfolding before my waking eyes, I realized that I was going to have to break up with someone for the first time. What’s an inexperienced girl to do?!
Well, I didn’t want to ruin his entire week, which meant waiting until Friday– that would have been today, to talk to him. I also didn’t want him to make the hour long drive to Austin only to be told, “We need to break up.” I knew he would have a better chance of understanding me if I texted him, but isn’t that bad break up manners? Well, my problems were solved when he texted me last night– Thursday night, asking why I hadn’t responded to his text message on Monday.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
[Honey!] [7:07 PM] Were you busy? Why you do not text me?
[니나] [7:30 PM] Last week I told you that I’m starting a second job… Did you even listen?
Anyway, you did not text me on Saturday or Sunday either (I had texted him Saturday night after getting dinner with my second love), and I was very lonely. I don’t want to wait for you anymore even though I know you are busy with school. I don’t like how you come at 8 and leave at 2 and never text me or call me.
We should talk everyday, but you are just too busy. I want to talk with my boyfriend often and have him listen to me and understand me– not ignore me.
You will have to focus on school, and I will focus on my work!^^ We will be okay, but I don’t think of you as my boyfriend anymore.
I can come to Killen tomorrow, or you can come and talk with me on Friday and leave on Saturday. You can get your things, too.
[Honey!] [7:33 PM] I understood that. I am just asking what you are.
(“That” as in when I told him about my second job, but clearly he did NOT understand everything that I wrote. As you can see, a very bad habit of his is NOT letting me know when he doesn’t know what’s going on, and it’s a bad habit that I tried– and failed, to get him to break. He’s stubborn AND prideful to say the least.)
[니나] [7:41 PM] 최대한 좋게 헤어지려고 하고 있어요. But I can’t call you or even text you because you don’t understand what I’m saying…
[Honey!] [8:50 PM] Okay. I will be there next time. If I can go to you, I will contact to you.
[Honey!] [8:52 PM] And thank you for everything you have done for me.
[니나] [9:13 PM] Okay. I am thankful, too. :) I will always think of you as a good person.
Honey wasn’t my type, and I knew he wasn’t my type from the moment we met. But, that didn’t stop me from giving him a chance when he put his 12 year old friendship ring on my finger and asked me to go out with him. He is a good person– just not the right person for me, and I’m happy that he was my second boyfriend, is now my second ex-boyfriend.
Make that by 25, too, I guess. I’m proud of myself. I thought about WHY I wanted to break up with him for a long time– but not TOO long. And, I’m happy that I didn’t get to overwhelm him with all of my millions of reasons as I had originally planned. At the end of the day, I broke up with him– and in that moment his feelings were more important than mine. After all, I’m fine.
P.S.: I guess– and if this makes sense, Junho is someone who sat on my couch and made it sink all the way down in the center. That’s just how much he weighed when it came to being a huge part of my life. Honey, however, barely made an indentation. Now, I’ve smoothed out the wrinkles he left behind, smiling as I sit alone and wait for the next adventure– the next romance.